got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
