I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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