remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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