dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I did not marry a roomba.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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