My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Randomize
