eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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