I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
im six kinds of drunk right now
He is an equal opportunity slut.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Randomize
