Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
