Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
