I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
