My sheets look like a crime scene.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
