somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
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