I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
