hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
