I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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