Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
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