So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Randomize
