Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize