went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
