He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
