I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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