Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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