just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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