Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
