I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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