You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
