Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
