It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
