I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
