seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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