does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
