It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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