I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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