i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
