he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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