No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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