i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Randomize