So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
