My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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