Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Randomize
