I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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