i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
Randomize
