Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
