for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
