i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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