why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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