I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
