Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
