Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
