you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
