That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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