my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sorry about my life...
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize