god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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