I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
