When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
the liver wants what the liver wants
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
