Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I can text with my tongue
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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