So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
