i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Brb crying the tears of my youth
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Randomize
