I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
