my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
