I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Randomize