I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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